"Mom, I have something to tell you that you're not gonna like," said my 14-year old. We had just gotten into a taxi after a therapy session with his psychologist.
I stopped playing Candy Crush and gave Adam my attention. "Yes?"
"A few weeks ago, when I was really feeling low, I attempted suicide. At least I consider it an attempt. At the time I was very desperate because nothing clear was happening with transitioning. We weren't yet seeing a doctor for testosterone and everything seemed to be at a standstill."
I hadn't seen that coming. Yet I wasn't exactly surprised either. Right now, though, I had a healthy child in a good frame of mind sitting next to me in the cab, so the panic or dread that one might expect when hearing the words "suicide attempt" did not pass over me. I stayed calm and asked a few questions. When exactly? Where exactly? How exactly? What stopped you, exactly? Why didn't you tell me earlier? What could I have done differently? What would you have done differently knowing what you know now?
Each question was answered in turn. Some weeks back. At the playground wall platform. With a homemade noose. I realized my choice would make my family and friends unhappy and my dad mad. Fear. Talk to me, really talk and ask questions when I am noticeably down. Bring back the bedtime talks. I would tell myself that things are going to get better.
For me this is a warning. I knew my kid had been battling depression before, had been doing better, and then seemed to be entering a new slump. But I didn't realize that that slump was so low as to result in suicidal thoughts and an attempt. So, even with my eyes open, with the family seeking specialists to help, such a thing could still occur.
These weeks leading to summer break could be very different right now if the attempt had been carried out more completely. A death would mean a funeral and loss beyond comprehension, sorrow and grief, and debilitation. A failed attempt may still have resulted in massive brain damage from air loss and damage to the neck/trachea etc. We could be in a hospital right now at the bedside of an unresponsive child on a very long recovery with no guarantee of a full recovery.
Such alternative futures don't compare to the current peace and joy I am experiencing as the school year unfolds and as we look forward to a trip to Paris as a family. So, I remain positive but vigilant. Mental illness is not to be taken lightly.
